resources

In the course of a 3 month relationship I made so many wrong decisions, and one of the greatest lessons I got out of it is that when I'm living my life the way the world sees fit then the only resources I have to help me heal or give me pep talks is the world. However when I live in the light of God's glorious riches and righteousness the resources abound. I have God, I have church, I have my christian friends, there are a myriad of Christian books that have been down my path, I have websites and of course above all I have Gods words that while written so many years ago are just as valuable and true today as they were then.

This came to me while I was dealing with some anxiety and struggle with this break up that occurred almost 2 months ago. It's so hard to admit that a break up of a 3 month relationship could cause this much pain but the truth is I let this man in so deep that I thought he was my prince charming. I thought he was going to save me from my loneliness from my feelings of unworthiness and pain and truthfully he actually added to them. We spent our whole weekends together and yet in that time he spent most of his time not speaking to me, not in a mean way but just in a "I don't have anything to say". I am a communicator, I love to write, talk and I love to give and receive love letters and with him while he was kind with his words, he just said the same things over and over. I love you, you are amazing, you are beautiful, but it was almost scripted not truly from his heart. If I'm so amazing, if I'm so great then show me with actions not just words that seem so vapid and empty. I am amazing not because I'm conceited but because the God of the Universe made me and everything and I mean everything He created is amazing. The same God that put the effort into the sky and the sea made me, so I am amazing and if I cannot discover the love I should have that is like my heavenly fathers love for me then I will just stay single and learn to love me the way God wants me to so that I can love others with this amazing love.

I have been offered a world of resources, I have been offered a sunrise and a sunset painted by the one that can create a masterpiece each time he creates, because I know the painter of these beautiful sights I am able to reverently marvel at His handiwork. I can see things in a way that someone who does not know the author can't. My daughter is a writer and when I read her stories I can often see pieces of her in them, someone who doesn't know her may conjecture what they think she's about but they don't know her the way I do. The same can be said for God the more intimately I know Him and love Him the more divinely I can see his workmanship.

I am amazed at the God I serve.

Dating

As a 41 single mom of a 17 and 19 year old, dating isn't one of the most easiest things to do. It is especially hard because at my age many adults no longer feel that you should have to wait on intimate relations for marriage because your an adult. However as a believer I believe that it is my job to still maintain purity, regardless if I have children or not, marriage is the only acceptable way to be physically intimate with a partner. I discovered this through many hard turns, it is hard when your lonely to not be consumed by the attention from the opposite sex. However I also have discovered that I am worth someone that will wait to be with me until marriage. First of all truth is we are not kids who don't have a clue what sex is or is not, and we should be fully aware that sex is more than just about the actual act, it is all the stuff that leads up to it. And much of that cannot be achieved without the commitment that marriage brings.

I found myself in a relationship that I thought was going to be "the one" and I did more than I had intended and when it was over the feeling was worse then I could imagine because I was old enough to know better. It however has served as a reminder that I am still vulnerable to being swayed by just the right words. It made me fully aware that part of being grown up not only in the physical but also in the spiritual means self control, it means being willing to see what is necessary to take care of this body and to be an example to my children and to other christian single moms. Regardless of age dating and the intimacy that one wants to have with their partner are challenging obstacles that can be overcome.

I have chosen to truly submit my dating life as well as my self control in the dating life over to God, and ask Him for the help I need to make it through, so that I make good healthy decisions for myself and anyone that is watching my life play out.  I wish I had some easy remedy but what I have is a remedy and that is commit my life to prayer and time in God's word, that's how I can not only be successful but find the match that is worthy of my wait and willingness to be pure.

WOW!!

In less than a month I will turn 41 years old and I feel like an 11 year old that has never learned how to grow up.  I don't truly know what I love about myself or others. I know I love to sing, cook , read and journal. (Which is why I have so many blogs). I know that I love animals, always have, I love to cuddle, to talk and to play in the rain. I hate exercise but love how it makes me feel and look. I love people, I love to people watch, I love movies, I love to snuggle up when it's cold outside and rainy. I don't so much love the beach (mainly because I get burnt and can't walk on the sand). I love beautiful trees, I love the concept of beauty. I love music, I love to dress up and look pretty. I love makeup, perfume and clothes. Since I've gained back 80 of the 200 pounds I lost I don't so much feel pretty anymore. I actually love the concept of research and studying but get very lazy at doing it. I love to drink coffee (with creamer, honestly). I love dinners out with friends, I love kissing, writing letters and feeling loved and wanted. I love baking and giving special things to my friends, family and loved ones. I love being a mom even though its hard, I want to be someone's wife. I love teaching and am hopeful I will get a new job next year. I love creating and pulling things apart to figure out how they work so that I can put it back together. Math is my worst and favorite subject because I love having the opportunity to pull something a part figure it out and then work out the problem. I love true crime stories and dramas. I am in love with romantic love, I want to know what it feels like to have someone long for me in a way that only true love can. I am ok with so many different things but the one thing I'm not ok with is the concept of being alone but I want to be ok with being alone.
     I want to be ok with just being with me, I am learning how to wake up each day and go to sleep each night talking to God. One day I was driving in my car, mooning over the wish that I had someone to talk to, that I had a boyfriend or husband to talk to. All of a sudden I realized that I have the all powerful God that longs to talk to me, I found that to be the way that my life should be. I need to fall in love with the Savior that gave His life for me.